Author Archives: vidyam

F-U-N

 

 

Imagine yourself at the venue of the National Spelling Bee in Washington, DC. You are in the audience seated at the edge of your chair, palms sweaty, brows furrowed and heart thumping. The air is rife with nervous excitement. It is the final round and your child is up on stage with a handful of other voracious spellers. He walks up to the microphone in eager, confident steps. As a parent, all you can do for him is say a heartfelt prayer in desperation and hope that when the soft voice of the ever-smiling Dr. Bailly pronounces the word, it is one your child knows. What you want is for your child to win.

Except you are now told that this next round of the spelling bee is unconventional. Whaaat? The child must not only spell but also define the word. He cannot question the origin or the root of the word. There are no alternate pronunciations. The child is judged on the profundity of his answer. The stage for this round is sprawling. It is life and the voice that announces the word is not of the charming doctor, but it is the gentle voice of God. You still want your child to win.

“FUN” – the divine voice announces. Your child looks perplexed. Such a simple word? The clock ticks away and your thirteen-year-old child, initially hesitant goes on to describe his interpretation of the meaning of the word.

“Fun –F-U-N. It is a vacation with my family and friends to beautiful seaside locations. Fun is a trip to Hawaii or Bahamas.”

Ah- He did it, you think. Your shoulders relax, and a smile graces your face. Only to hear the dreadful bell go ‘Ding’. It’s not the right answer. Baffled, you look around to see the same quizzical expression on the faces of all around. Why is this answer wrong? You are deeply disappointed.

As the next finalist walks up, you wonder what the correct answer is.

“FUN” says the gentle voice.

“F-U-N. Fun is a grand party with dancing and singing and hmmm…plenty of food and drinks?” The child sounds nervous. He tries to put himself into the shoes of every adult in the room and answer and sees this is the most common way to have fun.

‘Ding’ goes the awful bell again.

As the third finalist walks up to the microphone, his grim expression indicates that he is giving this some serious thought.

“F-U-N. Success is fun. Success in academics or sport. Winning is fun” he quips when it is his turn. A ‘DING’ echoes in the hall once more.

Why are these wrong, you wonder? As you look around, confusion is writ large on the faces. Everyone is as perplexed as you are.

“Let me rephrase the question” the magnificent voice announces. Its’ sound deep yet gentle envelopes you with a warmth. “What makes you happy?” asks the voice and the spotlight falls on the fourth child,

“Getting a new video game makes me happy” the fourteen- year-old gingerly announces.

“WHY?”

“Uh- I don’t know” mutters the child.

Ding!

The spotlight moves to the next child. Smiling, he answers “Going to a waterpark.”

“WHY?”

Before the child replies, an angry parent interrupts. “What’s going on? My child was not wrong when he said going to a party was fun. Nor was the other when he said a new toy makes him happy. These are kids, and this is what makes them happy. What’s wrong with it? I demand an explanation!”

“Let me ask you then… What is fun? What makes you happy and why?” the benevolent voice booms.

The parent yells, “A cruise with abundant food, wine and beautiful people! Why? Why? Because it lets me escape from the drudgery of my everyday life!”

Ding!

“HEY! Can You tell me what You are up to? Are You playing around with us? Can you please just leave and let our kids go back to the actual normal game? This is the final and they have worked hard to get here. It’s no joke.”

“Relax,” says God, “A group of intellectuals is where I thought I could make my point. That’s why I am here.”

So saying He shines the spotlight on a three year old in the audience who is seated on his mother’s lap.

“Little one, what makes you happy and why?”

The little boy flashes a beaming smile. He knows. He jumps down from his mama’s lap and with his chest puffed and tiny palms fisted by his side shouts out,

“Playing with my puppy makes me happy because he makes me laugh.”

“What a wonderful answer! You see this child innately know fun is in the simple act of giving love.  A very young child may not share a new toy but walk into a room and he will be the first one to run up to you to give you a hug. All you need is to be like them. Instead you spend the first few years teaching your children to achieve to find happiness and then, they like you spend the next few years trying to escape. Going on a vacation is fun if your intention is to explore a new place and embrace its culture and people, not if you are going to escape the life you created for yourself. Partying is fun if you party to celebrate togetherness not to hit the bottle to forget your problems. Success does not lie in accumulating trophies but in feeling joyful for what you have. It lies in knowing your worth and respecting the other. I’ll leave you now but, in my opinion, the child who understands laughter and connection are what brings true happiness is the winner.”

Wow! You have spent all your parenting life training your children to be adults. You now know you need to un-teach your children so the next time they are in the spelling bee on the sprawling stage of life where they must define fun, they have the right answer.  They say, “M- E. Me – I am fun.”

 

  • Vidya.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Gratitude

To my dear family, friends and readers,

This blog is four years old today. A journey that began on a whim on my 40th birthday with the urge to peek below the surface of those mid-life emotions and touch the fragile and tender core of my heart has brought  much richness into my life. Heartfelt   connections with all of you, a published book in partnership with my “chaddi” buddy  fun filled opportunities like author events, reading to precious little children and learning the craft from other fellow writers.  I have always loved to write but shied away from calling myself a writer until now. In this fast paced world where capitalized abbreviations and emogees  transport your thoughts at a lightning pace, you have taken the time out to read my wordy essays and have truly made me a writer. For every article I  have penned, I have received beautiful personal messages. These words of encouragement are what keep me going. J K Rowling I may never be but I am now in a lovely space and I am where I am and what I am because of you. So thank you for being the wind beneath my wings as I dare to soar.

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Raising a Son in Our Times

 

A couple of years ago, we were invited to a series of presentations by my son’s class in middle school. The children in the class had been divided into smaller groups of five and each group had to come up with ideas to conduct a birthday party for an eight-year-old in a budget of under $20. The presentations were very impressive. The kids had come up with delightful, thrifty ways to celebrate. Slideshows, venn diagrams, charts, convincing speeches – they did it all. Yet, after my son’s group had finished I was disappointed. It seemed to me that out of the two girls and three boys in their group, it was the girls who had put in the maximum effort. They did all the talking while the boys just answered a few questions. It seemed unfair that the girls had to do most of the work themselves.

After the presentations were done, I walked up to my son and the other two boys who were helping the teacher rearrange the tables and chairs in the room. Unable to mask my disappointment, I gently asked them why they had not helped the girls. “We would have,” one of them said wryly “if they had let us. They refused every suggestion we gave. So, what could we do?” My son shrugged his shoulders and defensively pitted, “At least we typed out everything… though it had to be exactly the way they wanted it.” ­­Hurt, from my accusations, was writ large in his eyes. Just then his teacher walked up to me, “I really enjoy having your son in my class. He is one of the most responsible and helpful students I have taught,” she said, and hugged me.

Now I was thoroughly disappointed but with myself. This was my child. I knew him inside out. I knew he was such a helpful soul yet, the belief that women carry the burden in most scenarios was so deeply ingrained in my mind that I had jumped to the conclusion that the boys had not pitched in.

After the presentation, while I waited outside the classroom to pick up my son, I saw the two girls whisper into each other’s ears and then point to one of the boys in the class and laugh. They then made a snide remark and continued to giggle.

‘Nasty women!’ I thought, angry blood rushing to my head. On the drive back, I narrated the incident to my son. “Those girls are always mean to him, Mom. They make fun of the way he dresses. They think he has no style.”

“Well, doesn’t he stand up to them? He should! And you should have too, when they didn’t let you guys pitch in for the presentation.”

“He says his mom says to never fight the girls. You say that too! So, we just ignore the girls. Anyway, we already have an A in the class. This project didn’t matter so why bother?”

This was not right. It was never about the marks but the fact that the boys had been sidelined. These boys may not have been suave in the fashion sense or tough looking football players, but they were very good kids who deserved to be respected for who they were. In some way I felt responsible for what happened too. This was a very trivial incident, but it made me think. All these years I had taught my firstborn, my daughter, that there was nothing that she needed to shy away from because she was a girl. She could anything a boy could do. I had been super proud of the fact that she was one of the very few girls in her AP physics class in high school. Yet, until that day we had never spoken about respecting the opposite sex.

I wondered if in our times where abuse and rape made headlines every day, we were disseminating the information that this is how the equation always is? Were we stereotyping the men? We teach our girls to fight, to never succumb, but in our attempt to gain equality, were we planting seeds of superiority in the next generation? Not to disregard victims of rape or abuse. Perpetrators of these barbaric crimes must be severely punished  to bring about change in society, so our girls can pursue their dreams unafraid. But there is a also a new generation of boys, like my son and his friends, who are respectful and responsible, and we need to look after their interests too. Equality is a delicate balance.

That evening, I found myself talking to my son and daughter about how even though it was important that they should not let anyone, whether boy or girl, treat them in a manner that disrespected them, it was also important to treat the people in their lives with equality and respect. At home or the workplace, they always had to leave room for the other to express. All things being equal, if my daughter ever went out on a date, then it was only fair for her that she pick up or split the tab (with her own money of course, not ours) and if she expected flowers and chocolates and the door to be held open for her, them it was perfectly fine if her partner expected her to serve up a plate of food for him. There always had to be a little give and a little take.

Growing up I felt the pressure from society with the expectation that girls had to nurture their families and prove themselves outside the home. I was very careful to not let my daughter feel that way. Both kids were expected to pursue their dreams and help with kitchen and laundry chores. Now, I wondered if my son felt a similar pressure. We expected our boys to be tough yet romantic, competitive yet chivalrous, protective yet accomadative.

As a mother, there was another issue that surfaced in my mind that evening. If in the future, my daughter relaxed and watched TV while her partner did all the chores, I would not think anything of it at all but if it was my son slogging and his partner was on the couch, it would pinch. So much for equality! I had to first learn to let go of my boy. It was not going to be easy but that was purely my problem. I had a lot of growing up to do myself.

-Vidya.

Recently my nephew and his wife welcomed their first baby into the world. My nephew has been wonderful in nurturing and caring for the newborn. Midnight feedings, diaper changes, laundry, talking to the pediatricians, he does it all with pleasure and without being told to. What a gem! This is just one instance. If you have read thus far and know of any wonderful person who breaks the stereotype of misogyny and chauvinism, start a conversation in the comments below to let us know. There is a lot of goodness in the world, we just need to let it surface and acknowledge it so it will grow and hopefully, one day outnumber the evil.

Dedicated to my dear friend Chithra and her lovely son who will always be my son’s best friend, wherever he is.

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The Heart of a Mother

This post is dedicated to Sheila Tzerman, my beautiful friend and guide who passed away last week. She loved that I wrote about everyday stuff and encouraged me to keep writing, no matter what. Sheila was an animal and nature lover and wanted me to write about Leo, my puppy. Today would have been her 65th birthday and the best way I can honor her is with this post on Leo. I will always miss you, my dear friend…

The Heart of a Mother

For the first three years after my daughter was born, we lived in Woodland hills, a suburb of Los Angeles. Every day, in those years, my little one and I would spend a few good hours in the park close to our apartment. Moments in that park were special. Not because of the scenic hills and palm trees that surrounded us, but because of the many friends we made there. The park was a melting pot of cultures. Moms from Bangladesh, Tanzania, Russia, Iran and Mexico joined us. As the kids romped about in the sand and the play structures, the moms discussed the ups and downs of raising them. It turns out motherhood is a universally difficult language, no matter where we come from. The thrill of being a new mother enamored me those days and I could rarely think beyond my child and her needs.

Some days we were also joined by a little old lady with twinkly eyes and a charming smile. She always wore a hat and brought her puppy, dapperly dressed to the park. The little beagle sported a bandana on sunny days and when the temperatures dipped, he wore a blue and white striped sweater. The kids loved to play with the dog while the little lady loved being part of our conversations. While the mothers discussed the picky eating, potty training and favorite TV shows of their toddlers, she pitched in with references not to her grandchildren but to the puppy. It turns out he loved to watch reruns of ‘The Andy Griffith show’ and was a quick learner. Potty training was a breeze she quipped, and he was extremely fussy about his treats. It amused me to see her talk about her pet with the same fondness with which we spoke of our kids. I felt a little slighted too. Weren’t our children more important than her pet?

Fast forward sixteen years. We now lived in Charlotte, North Carolina with our two teenage kids. It was the summer before my daughter left for college. For years, the kids had wanted to bring home a puppy but until that summer my husband had not yielded to their pleas. One fine day in July though, he changed his mind. Whether he worried that I would struggle emotionally after my daughter left or if he knew that a dog would be her biggest reason to call or visit home, I cannot say but he gingerly announced we needed a puppy and in a couple of days our little fluffball Leo, all of eleven weeks, was home.

Leo completely took over our lives with the obedience, toilet and crate training. And very soon I began to see subtle and beautiful changes in my family. The kids spent most of their days downstairs to help with the training. I saw them more in that one month than I had in the past two years. This adorable creature was the reason my floors were sparkly clean. An otherwise lazy lot, my family made sure the floor was spotless so that the puppy would not eat anything off the floor. His goofiness ensured an air of lightness, playfulness and laughter in the house. Those big, puppy eyes could melt a heart made of rock. ‘Floofball’ as my kids lovingly referred to him brought out the best in us. Earlier it had annoyed the kids when I accidentally called out to one of them by the other’s name. Now I began to call Leo by the names of my children and the kids ‘pup-pup.’

And then it happened….

One day my young friend, who had her second child a couple of months ago, called to talk about the baby’s quirky and loveable antics. The baby loved his rattles and was a night owl. He was fascinated by the movements and sounds he saw on TV and was trying hard to roll over. The excitement in her voice was palpable and I, without the slightest hesitation, had the audacity to continue the banter with tales of Leo. I went on about how Leo squeaked his new toy to get attention, about how smart he was because he knew ‘Bye’ meant someone was leaving. That he rang the bell with his button sized nose to let us know he wanted to go out, that he now slept through the night in his crate…

And just like that, I turned into the little old lady with the hat and the beagle.

Stories of dogs and how therapeutic they can be to a family are legendary. I am so grateful that my family can now experience it. Beware mommies of young children, this soon to be empty nester might just hijack your conversations about your kids with tales of her favorite furry creature.

-Vidya

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When Your Child Does Not Fit In

A few weeks ago I received an article from a dear friend, an article about young  kids who identify themselves as being agender, neither male nor female and their fight to gain acceptance. Being a mother myself, as I read the article I could not help but wonder all the emotions that transpired through the hearts of their own mothers. As mothers, don’t we worry if our children will be accepted if they deviate, not just in the expression of their gender but in other ways as well? What if your girls hate dressing up or boys hate football? What if your brilliant child decides college is not for them? What if they are the ones in the class who sit alone? What if your children are the small percentage of introverts in this extroverted world?What if your child does not fit into a box? This post is dedicated to all mothers whose children are true to themselves and do not pretend to fit in. It is a story narrated from the point of view of a mother who has just realized her child identifies as being agender and is a work of fiction.

When Your Child Does Not Fit In.

It is a ghastly sight. A flock of birds, neither ravens nor vultures, (or maybe a species of either one), surrounds the carcass of the deer that lies alongside the road. The feathered creatures, black as a night when the soft white light of the moon does not shine and the twinkle of the stars does not gleam, rip apart the rotting flesh of the dead animal, in broad daylight.

As I drive past the scene on the way home from work, a glimpse of the gore brings tears to my eyes. Just as the birds tear the deer to shreds, I rip my motherly soul to bits. Every fragment echoes “Will my child ever fit in?”

The rant, like the buzz of a honey bee in our ears, infinitely plays ring-around-the-rosies in my head and I think about what you must be feeling, my child.

As I drive, my thoughts drift back to that day in our kitchen, to the time you and I frost your little sister, Lizzie’s birthday cake. She wants her cake to look like a playground with swings, slides and children at play. As I start to roll the dough to make a little fondant figure Lizzie asks me if I am going to make a boy or a girl. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought of it yet. Does it matter?” I ask. When I look up at you casually, you look sad. I know I have touched a painful chord somewhere. That look in your eyes …so much anguish in their blueness. Your thirteen-year-old eyes carry the sorrow of tortured souls. My heart sinks into the depths of the sadness reflected in them.

Agender, is how describe yourself to me later that night. This is the first time you bare your soul to another. You identify yourself as being neither a boy nor a girl. Neither ‘he’ nor ‘she’ but ‘they’ is how we need to refer to you, you add. Tears roll down your chiseled face. Nobody understands yet, you say. They just know you are different. “This is who I am, Mom. Do you still love me?” you ask your voice quivering.

“I do, darling and I always will.” I swaddle you in my embrace just as I did the day you were born

Though what you do not know is I lie awake every night since then, to grapple with this truth. Even though I am your mother and you are a part of me, I cannot fully fathom what it must be like for you. There are many times before today when I have questioned why I am here, if there is an afterlife, if there is a God. There are many answers I seek but the one thing I know with certainty is I am a woman. Every morning when I wake up I feel it in the very core of my being. It is so primal, I do not question it. I realize if I had to, the pain would be intense. It hurts that you must endure this every day. Will society ever understand if you if I, your mother, am struggling to? Will they ever accept you? Every pore on my skin shrivels up, every nerve in my body tightens at the thought that there will be people who dislike you immensely because you are different. Why you? Why does this have to happen to us? I want to go back in time to the day I worried about mundane things like you being a picky eater and not cleaning up your room, to the time I discussed my trivial worries with the mothers of other thirteen-year-olds.

As I reach home, the ravens still linger in my head, the shreds of my soul continue to agonize with the misery of your loneliness and the guilt of my inability to placate your anguish.  I find you in the yard, playing with our pup. As the two of you bounce and frolic, I realize that beneath the veil of sexual expression, you are just like any other kid- full of love and hope. What lies under the cloaks of our masculinity and feminity is a divine light. Does gender really matter? What matters is what we do with the life we have been gifted with. Of what use is gender if we pride ourselves in being a man or a woman, yet use our lives to harm or kill another? Irrespective of our garbs of gender, we need to let our light shine, to love and accept and leave this world a better place. I realize now your soul is just as pristine as it was before your revelation. Nothing has changed. I see the warmth in your being in the way you hold our pup. I see the gentleness in your heart when you hop over the tiny bug to avoid squishing it. Later at your basketball game, I see the grit of your spirit when you shoot a three pointer in the last minute to lead your team to a thrilling victory. You are the same spirited kid who enjoyed the rush of winning. When you smile at me, I get a glimpse of the strength you have within. It must have taken a lot of courage to accept who you are and let the world know. It is easy to hide behind a façade to make yourself fit in. It is hard to stand alone. Yet even as a young person, you realize that being authentic in solitude weighs far greater than being miserable in a clan. It will take the world a while to catch up but some day they will see you in the same light as I do. Until then, I will stand up for you. I see you, my child. I see YOU. Even though as a mother all I ever wanted until now was for children to fit in, I don’t anymore. I realize now I have to lead my children to a whole new world.

The black birds leave the precipice of my thoughts. the fragments of my soul, a mother’s soul begin to piece back together, bit by bit.

 

 

-Vidya.

 

An army of mothers who choose to embrace and accept differences and teach their children to do the same have the power to create a whole, new world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The First Word

Compliments of the season dear readers. It’s the season to be jolly so here’s a light story inspired by a beautiful friend and her precocious precious little daughter. Wishing you all lots of laughter in your life with each passing moment….

To,

The Editor,

The Washington Post.

 

Dear Editor,

I am an almost four-year-old boy, a genius, and have recently come to face a baffling situation. If you could pose my dilemma to your readers, I hope one of them would be able to ascertain the reason behind the perplexing behavior of my parents over the past few hours.

Let me introduce myself. I am Deep Damodar, also known as ‘Duke the Wiz.’  I play four musical instruments, the piano, the ukulele, the tabla and the flute. Several videos of mine playing Indian as well as Western classical melodies on these instruments have gone viral on social media. I am sure you must have seen them too. I also have a penchant for Math and jigsaw puzzles. I first put together a 1000-piece puzzle at eighteen months. Amma had just started to work on this puzzle, which was a picture of a litter of Labrador puppies. I love dogs and I was fascinated by the way the shapes fit in together. As I saw her struggle to find the right pieces, I took over from her and completed the puzzle in under two hours. Amma (mother) was nice enough to step aside. You see, I work best alone. I have completed hundreds of complex puzzles, since then. Most of them customized by Hasbro just for me.

Until recently, my parents have been extremely encouraging and proud of all that I have achieved. They have made sure I have received continued tutelage from the best music teachers and gurus in the world viz. Pandit Zakir Hussain, Yanni and Pandit Hariprasad Chaurasia. Each time I mastered a raga or a symphony, they celebrated it with the world by uploading my performances on YouTube. Appa,(father) recently, got Puzz 3D to make a 18,000-piece model of the Taj Mahal, just for me to tinker with. He created an Instagram account to post all my completed puzzle works. They have always been a step ahead in providing me with challenges which is amazing because as I have never asked them about what I need or want. As you may know, I do not speak. Or did not until this morning when I uttered my first word.

Not that I could not or did not know how to talk. I just did not feel the need to. My parents made sure we were clothed and there was always delicious food on the table. Amma is a very good cook. And I was always provided with a new challenge to keep my mind stimulated. To me, talking seemed like a waste of time. There was always so much more fun stuff to do.

Yesterday, though I realized how sad Amma was when I overheard her say tell grandma how heartbroken she was that she may never hear my voice. Amma is a passionate singer. Yesterday, in her conversation she divulged that her dream was to pass on her knowledege of Carnatic music to her children. I love Amma deeply and only want to make her proud. So, I made up my mind to finally break my silence.

I visualized Amma do a happy dance and gleefully tell her family and friends about it.  Ah! How I wanted to see her happy! Probably a clip of me finally talking would go viral too. My first word had to be grand!

I dwelled on what should be my first word. Should I take the name of Lord Ganesha as Amma always invoked his blessings before starting something new? Or should I say ‘Amma?’ As I wrestled in my mind on which one would make a legendary entry into the world of speech, I felt my hands tingle and my throat tickle. My eyes fluttered too. I was very excited knowing how excited mom would be. Maybe, she would whip up my favorite dessert, gulabjamuns, too. Then it occurred to me I had to be careful, if I took her by surprise she would fall off the chair she was sitting on and hurt herself. I would have to say something in context to what we were doing to not startle her too much. My entry had to be subtly grandiose.

Amma was with my 6-year-old sister, Diya, helping her with her language arts homework on the kitchen table. I sat next to them working on a Sudoku and eating cereal. Unlike me, Diya struggled with academics. They were completing her worksheet for rhyming words. Ah! If I came up with a rhyming word that Diya struggled with, my entry would be smooth, just like Amma’s movie idol, Rajni Sir.

I waited with bated breath for the right moment. I felt my heart pounding hard as Mom and Diya went through the list of words.

“Cat – Mat

Sat – Rat

Hot – Pot

Fan – Ran

Boy – Toy

Jet – Net

Man- Can

Sit – Hit

Bun -Run.

Good job Diya, Four letter words now”

I perked up. This was surely something Diya would falter with. ‘Ahem’ I cleared the tickle in my throat, not wanting to sound like a squeaky toy when the time came.

 

“Bank – Tank

Pack – Lack

Wish – Fish

Duck – …”

This was my chance! Diya did not know the answer! “F***” I proudly said.

Mom did not respond. Why? Maybe I was too soft?

“F***!” this time I made sure I was loud. Also, it was a popular word if President Drumpf used it so often in his tweet this morning.

I waited eagerly for the fanfare. But Amma shut the book and walked away. “Let’s work on this later Diya” she said her voice trembling. There was none of the pomp I had hoped for. No gulab jamuns either. Amma locked herself in her bedroom for the rest of the day. I could hear her soft sobs. Appa later announced that that I did not have to go to school today. Something is terribly wrong, I know it. Why else would this big achievement of mine be hushed up?

Sir, could you please throw light on why my parents behaved the way they did?

 

Sincerely,

Deep “Duke” Damodar.

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Picture Perfect

What I write today may stir up emotions and ruffle a few feathers when you read but I think there are a few questions we need to ask ourselves, now more than ever.

 

Picture Perfect

A few years ago, after the horrendous carnage in Newtown, I actively gave up reading the newspaper and watching TV news channels. In my view, these platforms only spewed a constant barrage of negativity which affected me deeply. Though I realized withdrawing from them would not put an end to these bone chilling acts of hatred and violence, it was the only thing I could do to insulate myself from a cruel world. I needed an informant who would be a harbinger of good news as well as keep me abreast of current events. So, I tuned in to Facebook instead.

Every morning, I sat with my chai to scroll through the news feed on FB just as I had with ‘The Times’ during my growing up years.  I wished friends who had birthdays and anniversaries, congratulated parents on new births and children’s achievements, gave a thumbs up to loveable family pictures and also went through posts that socially conscious friends put up on global happenings. It felt good to see smiling faces in the morning and every time that I checked in through the day. Of course, I would be lying if I did not admit that there were instances when the green monster whispered into my ears, “Look at them and look at you.” Overall though, it was truly enjoyable and addictive.

Then one day, I posted a picture of my puppy, Leo, and me. While I napped on the sofa, my little fuzzball cozied up to me and took his siesta on my head. His white fur on my shiny black hair, the two of us with our eyes closed, lost to the world around us, made for a delightful snapshot my family could not resist capturing. It was one of those ‘Awwwwww’ moments that rang in quite a few likes and comments that were flattering. The photograph was captioned ‘Happiness’, though the moments prior, that had led me to take the nap were far from happy. I was exhausted trying to housetrain my furry munchkin. Just that morning, I had taken him on a couple of hour-long walks. While he bounced on the grass, sniffed the myriad smells that wafted through the air outside and chased butterflies, he chose to pee on my carpet. Each time we returned from our stroll, he would look at me , a defiant, naughty gaze,  that spoke “Thank you for the good time, ma’am but no spot in the world is as nice as your carpet” and pee right there. Darn! At that moment if anyone had remarked on Leo’s cuteness quotient I would be the one that barked, “Take him, please! I will even pay you the rehoming fee!” Right before I dozed off that day, I wondered why I had not just agreed, but insisted on bringing a puppy home.

So you see, the post ‘Happiness’ did not portray the entire story. It was a depiction of that one blissful moment in a chaotic scenario – a half truth. I chose to reveal only what I thought was appealing. If my family had taken a video of me – high-strung, nostrils flared running around the house with an Arm and Hammer spray and a tissue roll, shrieking “LEO, NO!” in a high-pitched voice, would I have posted it? It would have been embarrassing. That got me thinking. Wasn’t that true of so many posts out there? We are careful to showcase just the perfect moments on social media because we all deeply harbor the belief that feeling out of control is a sign of failure which in turn is an embarrassment.

Though when I look back at my life it is the very moments of frustration, failure and rejection that have toughened me up. That is when I have wandered through the deep chasms within my heart and discovered a treasure trove of strength. Dark times always stoke the warrior within a person then why we are so afraid of them? While we glorify and celebrate our triumphs we also need to acknowledge and accept our failure and teach our children likewise.

In the recent past, I remembered reading a post which was a poem that a husband had dedicated to his wife of 25 years on their anniversary. The poem oozed of the sweetness of their love. It was a beautiful and thoughtful gesture, yet I wondered if the husband had not professed his feelings on FB, would the nature of their love have changed? Not really, right? If the way you feel about someone you love changes because you post it on social media, then you are on rocky ground. If you have been married for longer than two months, you know that in a marriage, even a good one, there do come dreadful times when you wish you were Harry Potter and could silence your spouse with a flick of the wrist and the spell ‘SILENCIO!’  It is the way a couple navigates these turbulent times that defines their strength. Yet, we avoid these moments and always paint a rosy picture. Not that we need to wash our dirty linen in public, but we don’t always have to pretend.  When we flash our best smile for a selfie though we may be weeping within, we reinforce the message to our children that we need to put on a mask of happiness all the time.

Social media is a wonderful platform to reach out to people, raise awareness, connect hearts and rekindle friendships. I myself may not have found success as a writer if not for blogging, parenting websites and FB.  And we certainly do not need to stop sharing happy times.  After all, in this world we all do need our daily dose of good news. But our children also need to fail to grow and they need to know that they are loved despite their tantrums, their mistakes and their shortcomings. There is a growing obsession, almost a compulsive need, amongst the young to have fun and post it on social media. These children must learn the whole truth. Pleasure and pain, ups and downs, success and failure are two sides of the same coin and most importantly social media is a tool not the reason to live.

As for Leo, that was just one rough day. I now suspect that he loves me more than my children do so he is not going anywhere 😊.

 

 

 

 

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